Please leave a note doctor

Just another day at work.

There I was writing in the notes of a patient I had just reviewed, when out of the corner of my eye I spot the gentleman in Bed 6 (let's call him John) sit up, pull his covers off him, and proceed to get out of his bed. He walks towards me and my notes-trolley, stands directly across me with the trolley between us, looks sternly at my face, and says:

"You aren't welcome here."

Wha... I'm sorry? What did you say?

*louder* "You aren't welcome here."

But I'm a doctor!

"You still aren't welcome in other people's houses."

But this is a hospital!

"This is a hospital?"

Yes, and I'm a doctor. I work here.

"Why am I in hospital?"

Because you've been very ill.

"Oh, that's alright then."

John then slowly turns around, walks back to his bed, gets rid of his slippers, lies down and pulls the covers over himself again and goes back to sleep.

15 minutes later, it's John's turn to be reviewed. He's sleeping, so I walk over to his bed, and turn on the reading lamp. He doesn't wake up, so I touch his arm gently. His eyes open immediately and he turns to look at me.

"I remember you."

*how nice...* Uh-huh, and who am I?

"You're that doctor."

Yes I am. And how are you today?

"Very well, until you woke me up."

But if I didn't wake you up, I wouldn't be able to speak to you to find out how you are?

"Yes, I understand that. But next time, when you want to speak to someone and they're asleep, you should leave a note saying, 'I've been here to speak to you but you were asleep, I'll be back to speak to you later.' It's only polite you know?

Alright, next time I'm here to see you and you're asleep, I'll leave a note saying that I was here to see you but you were asleep and I'll be back later. Is that agreeable?

"Yes, very agreeable."

Good, so how are you today?

"Very well thank you, at least until you woke me up."

Good. I'm glad to hear that you were feeling well until I woke you up. Is there anything else bothering you?

"No, I was perfectly well, until you woke me up."

Very good then. Have a nice day John. I'll see you later tomorrow.

"No, I can't have a nice day. Now that you've woken me up, I shall have to get out of bed and get dressed and then do what I have to do."

But you can always go back to sleep.

"No I can't. Because you've woken me up."

Right. John, I'm very sorry I woke you up, but there's nothing to stop you from going back to sleep. I'm going to turn off the light and write in your notes and you can go back to sleep. So I'll leave you be for now, and have a nice day. Alright?

"No, I'll never get back to sleep now that you've woken me up."

Goodbye John.

I turn off the light, walk back to the notes-trolley and grab his obs chart on the way. When writing in the notes:

Obs stable. Apyrexial. Sats 97% oA. HR 78. RR 14. Dementia worsening.

The rest is confidential. Strictly, strictly confidential.