Christmas announcement

This article is meant as a JOKE. Please do not take it seriously, and refer to guidance number 7 for advice on how to proceed with your complaint.


Dear all,
If you plan to get shit drunk on Christmas eve/day, the following guide will keep all the ERs in your region happy (or happier):

1. Please collapse in some dark alley or in the nearest, deepest ditch so that no one will find you and you won't be brought into the ER.

2. Please fight as enthusiastically as possible and knock each other out, and if possible use sharp objects and/or firearms so that by the time you're brought into the ER you're dead.

3. Please have a seizure, but do it in some out of the way place so that when your seizure self-terminates, no one will phone the ambulance to bring you in and you can continue drinking.

4. To all the 'good' samaritans who phone ambulances for other people, please make sure that the other party actually wants to come into hospital. Alot of people are brought into hospital against their will and that makes 2 pissed off parties, the 'patients', and the already overworked ER staff.

5. Please google the safety profiles of illegally (or legally) obtained drugs before you take any. If you do plan recreational/suicidal drug use, please take a massive, massive overdose. The results are more impressive.

6. If you are brought in and decide you want to leave, please just walk/run/fly out of the department, taking care not to: a) collapse at the hospital doors. b) collapse in view of any good samaritans. c) tell any of the staff that you're leaving.

7. If you're brought in and wish to complain about the treatment you received from the people who saved your sorry ass, please send the letter to your MP/congressman/PM/DoH saying that you think that ALL medical staff who actually do clinical work and have to deal with your intoxicated asses are grossly underpaid for what they have to do and that's why the service was unsatisfactory and deep down inside you think that all of us are kind, amazing, marvellous people. Medical staff includes paramedics, receptionists, lab techs, radiographers, porters, and the kind ladies who clean up cubicles full of vomit, blood, and shit. Anyone not on the shop floor getting their hands dirty (yes, management staff, I mean you, you're ALREADY overpaid) need not apply.

8. If you slip on the ice BECAUSE you're intoxicated, and break a bone, please make it a mid shaft fracture of a long bone to maximize complications. Best results occur if you can actually see the shards poking through your skin. Bigger shards = better results. Fat emboli are absolutely necessary! If you survive and still plan to get drunk in the future, please refer to number 9.

9. If the festivities are getting you down, and you decide you want to kill yourself, paracetamol is a bad idea, because you'll eventually come in to us dying and we still have to treat you to try and save you. Don't jump in front of fast-moving vehicles, the result are messy and give the other involved parties a shitload of grief, AND paperwork. Heroin is good, especially in large doses, but don't take my word for it, please refer to number 5 for further guidance. Bridges are good, high ones are better, and hard landings are best. Go for it!

10. Numbers 1 to 9 apply for New Year's as well.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May the Force be with you. (because god hates ER staff)